Saturday, June 23, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Emotional Soup
I'm still waiting to hear about the job, if you can believe that. I thought for sure they had already hired someone and not told me, but I sent a follow-up email last week and learned the final decision will be made by the end of this week. Well, it's the end of this week and no word yet, but I'm hoping.
The past few weeks have felt like an emotional soup. I have so many feelings that emerge on the average day. Sometimes while driving to work I will feel very at peace with things or incredibly depressed. Sometimes I feel both in the same car ride. At school I will suddenly feel invigorated and inspired, then become almost hostile. Driving home something will hit me and I'll start tearing up. I don't always know what these emotions are about. I mean I do on the surface, but I know they go deeper than that, like a bunch of tangled roots.
Last Tuesday was our graduation ceremony. Work wife and I met up for lunch since it was a short day, and she accompanied me to the ceremony. I was already on a little high from seeing her and having a real lunch that did not include 100 kids in my hair. Then, once we were back on campus, the faculty and seniors were getting into their gowns, and I felt this twinge of excitement. Seeing everyone cleaned up and dressed so "academically" changed the tone of our normally drab campus. There was a sense of pride and respect that I've never before felt on our campus. Walking into the auditorium was an experience on another level. My kids told me afterwards that there are graduations, and then there are "black graduations," just like there is church and then there is "black church." They are quite correct with that comparison. The parents went nuts. There was so much love and enthusiasm around, and I felt happy. Really and truly happy. That feeling extended throughout the entire ceremony. There was singing and clapping and dancing and preaching and applauding and hugging and rejoicing. I wish that we could have had more moments like that this year.
But then there are the lows. This year, more than ever, I feel them so potently. Because of these volatile ups and downs, I started taking anti-depressants last year, and I've recently re-started talk therapy. My emotions are more than I can handle, and this is nothing I'm ashamed of. In fact, I think the world would be a better place if everyone were in regular therapy. However, I've never really shouted this from such a public forum, but at the same time, I think I need to say this in such a public way. While there are other circumstances in my life that contribute to my depression, my job weighs heavily upon it, and that is a profound statement. While the surface answer is to get another job, that's all easier said than done. I'm working on it, but what happens if I don't? What happens to me then?
The past few weeks have felt like an emotional soup. I have so many feelings that emerge on the average day. Sometimes while driving to work I will feel very at peace with things or incredibly depressed. Sometimes I feel both in the same car ride. At school I will suddenly feel invigorated and inspired, then become almost hostile. Driving home something will hit me and I'll start tearing up. I don't always know what these emotions are about. I mean I do on the surface, but I know they go deeper than that, like a bunch of tangled roots.
Last Tuesday was our graduation ceremony. Work wife and I met up for lunch since it was a short day, and she accompanied me to the ceremony. I was already on a little high from seeing her and having a real lunch that did not include 100 kids in my hair. Then, once we were back on campus, the faculty and seniors were getting into their gowns, and I felt this twinge of excitement. Seeing everyone cleaned up and dressed so "academically" changed the tone of our normally drab campus. There was a sense of pride and respect that I've never before felt on our campus. Walking into the auditorium was an experience on another level. My kids told me afterwards that there are graduations, and then there are "black graduations," just like there is church and then there is "black church." They are quite correct with that comparison. The parents went nuts. There was so much love and enthusiasm around, and I felt happy. Really and truly happy. That feeling extended throughout the entire ceremony. There was singing and clapping and dancing and preaching and applauding and hugging and rejoicing. I wish that we could have had more moments like that this year.
But then there are the lows. This year, more than ever, I feel them so potently. Because of these volatile ups and downs, I started taking anti-depressants last year, and I've recently re-started talk therapy. My emotions are more than I can handle, and this is nothing I'm ashamed of. In fact, I think the world would be a better place if everyone were in regular therapy. However, I've never really shouted this from such a public forum, but at the same time, I think I need to say this in such a public way. While there are other circumstances in my life that contribute to my depression, my job weighs heavily upon it, and that is a profound statement. While the surface answer is to get another job, that's all easier said than done. I'm working on it, but what happens if I don't? What happens to me then?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)