Depression

It's been ten days since my last post. Ten long days. Spring break is about a month away, and it can't come soon enough. Juggling three different grade levels and curriculum on an accelerated schedule is unmanageable. This past week I've stood before my students totally unprepared and "winging it." While in the past I've done that--scrapped a lesson plan and let the students' interest guide the day's discussion or the topic of study--this is not like before. This is "I'm going on four or five hours of sleep and I'm trying to read three novels simultaneously and develop lesson plans and grade essays and homework and I'm too exhausted to do it all so something has to give."

On top of my day-to-day work struggles, I have another battle I'm fighting. I'm going to go out on a limb here and be more honest with you than I've probably ever been before. I've fought depression since my adolescence, but since my early twenties, my mood and outlook have been steady and optimistic. Two years ago, when I lost my job, that all changed, and today, as I stand against waves of uncertainty in my professional life, my personal life is taking a beating. My depression is back and in full force in a way it hasn't been in a long, long time.

There were many situations when I was a child that rendered me powerless. My teachers were my protectors; my education was my escape. Becoming a teacher was a not-so-obvious next step for me, but once my career started, it all made sense to me--my classroom was a place of empowerment for me. I wrapped up my identity in who I was to my students, so when I lost my job and the "teacher" was stripped from me, I didn't know who I was. I didn't know where to find that empowerment.

Now that I am back in the classroom, a place of betrayal, in a sense, there is part of me that feels like a powerless child. My work environment mimics a place and pattern I know all too well--instability, chaos, hurt--in other words, the need to protect and flee. Only I'm the adult, and there are 30 or so children depending on me.

Since December, I've been back on anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication. While both are helping me keep my head above water, I know they are only a band-aid to the larger issue. There's a lot of healing and rebuilding to be done, and at times I don't know where to start. While I need to find another job, I question if I can continue a profession that requires so much of me personally.