The Privilege (and Pain) of Being 30-Something

November proved to be a very busy month. I'm still waging my daily battles--teaching, grading, planning, disciplining--and on top of that, my juniors from last year are filling out college applications. For me, that meant letters of recommendation. Then, just like that, it was Thanksgiving break.

The older I get, the faster time goes. A summer, a month, even a work week flies by. Sometimes that's a good thing, but sometimes I wonder where it all goes. I'm a busy person, and I suppose I like it that way, but I've reached this place where I'm continually asking myself, What am I doing? More recently, I'm asking Why? and How do I change that?

I'm lucky to live in a city that has beautiful and diverse natural surroundings, so over break, I took several hikes. Being in a place that is such a contrast to my daily environment--particularly a place that is peaceful and allows me to tap into my spiritual side--helps me put my thoughts in perspective.

And this is what I've concluded: I'm not the person I want to be. I don't mean in the sense that I think I'm a horrible person, but in the sense that I'm taking stock of my life and evaluating who I am and who I want to be. I guess this is something that comes with age, because the gift of being 30-something is that I'm not 20-something anymore. 30-something offers a type of clarity and pulls away the delusion of 20-something. In the past few years, I've found humility, or humility has found me. I know I don't know. I want more meaning behind what I do. I want to be more present--not just for others, but for myself. I want my actions to line up with the person I want to be. I want to serve what makes my soul happy.

The burden of being 30-something is that I don't know yet how to make that happen. My friends who are in their 40s have found something I haven't or know something I don't. They are at peace with themselves in a way that translates in all they do. They are comfortable in their own skin. They are happy in a way that I've not known--like there's no need to chase after something or achieve another goal because what they have, what they are is enough.

In the past, I've used my career as a way to compensate for my inadequacies or my misgivings. I can't do that anymore. With the way the past year and a half has gone, I can just add my career to the stack of insecurities. Now I am left with what I am, and what I am is feeling. Feeling things that make me uncomfortable and confused but are begging me to listen.