Who Am I?

Throwing in the towel is hard to do when there's no place to go.

While a part of me started to suspect the job was not mine, it nonetheless felt like a punch to the gut. Another "more qualified candidate" filled the position. I was sitting in the parking lot of a Walgreens when I read the email. It's never a good thing to receive bad news in a public place.  I started to cry, so I drove away, wondering what I'm supposed to be doing, where I'm supposed to be. While I wanted to flee the scene--have my little breakdown in private--I almost wanted to drive away from my life. A part of me felt--and still feels--like I've made such a mess of my life that I want to start over, wipe the slate clean.

With a month before school resumes, I guess that's what I'm attempting to do. Though I may not have been hired for my dream job, I know there are other places out there. So far I've applied for three other positions and have found five jobs today I'm interested in. One of the applications requires a personal statement addressing who I am and why I'm personally invested in a particular cause. My resume is up-to-date and I've written an amazing cover letter, but I have no idea how to describe who I am.

I could describe what I'm not. I'm not an optimist or an idealist anymore. I don't have any pretenses about next year--that things can get better with a different attitude, that summer break will refresh me and the kids. I'm not a dreamer. Or a fighter. I'm not passionate. Or a believer. I'm most certainly not successful. I've become a person who is operating and existing on survival mode. I'm financially and emotionally broke. I'm lost and experiencing loss. A profound loss.

But I can't say any of that.

In the meantime I guess I just put on this face of contentment, exude this aura of confidence, write about who I want to be. It feels ridiculous, like a child's game of dress-up, but what choice do I have?